a collection of paper scraps

I'm going to rename this the insomniacs feast...

2005-09-13T03:05:00.000-04:00

Since I only ever seem to do it when its late and I can't sleep and I need something to do. Never occurs to me to work on my school stuff at this point - funny how that works.

Appetizer
Who is the easiest person for you to talk to?
I surround myself with people who are easy to talk to, it saves me the trouble of being coherent.

Soup
If you could live in any ancient city during the height of the quality of its society and culture, which one would you choose?
This is already a hard one. Tonight I might say Pompei because the idea of having your life frozen at one time is somewhat appealing to me right now.

Salad
What is the most exciting event you've ever witnessed?
Definitely the day I saved someone life... you see Meghann was about to get hit by a bus and I saved her life.

Main Course
If you were a celebrity, what would you do for a publicity stunt?
Well since Tom Cruise has edited himself from the list of celebrities who I would do, not Tom Cruise. Maybe I would just be normal - it hasn't been overdone yet.

Dessert
What do you consider the ideal age to have a first child?
Well if they were already 22 when they came out... oh wait you mean what age would I be when I had a child. Not happening.

I'll Go - Dayna Manning

2005-09-13T03:00:00.000-04:00

When it's over I'll go
Then it will be just like it was before
But I won't go too far
Just a local phone call, or a ride in the car

To a different side of you
A different side of me
A different side of this town

And when you want to call me back over
You've got to resist it, you've got to be strong
Cause you know what they say about the best laid plans
They're just lines in the sand
Baby I drew a line in the sand

When I learned that history repeats itself baby
It repeats itself my darling.

and I say it with my mouth
I say it with my mouth
I SAID IT WITH MY MOUTH

They say that history repeats itself baby
It repeats itself baby
It repeats itself baby
And our history will repeat itself baby
And repeat itself baby
And repeat itself baby

(I say it with my mouth, but it never gets though, I tried to tell you, I said it with my mouth)

But you can't hear it
Baby you can't hear it
It's so hard to hear with your heart.
You never hear it with your heart.

Friday's Feast

2005-08-06T23:25:00.000-04:00

Appetizer - Briefly describe your living room.
Its just a normal living room with a beautiful hardwood floor installed by my roommate and myself. We're very proud of it.

Soup - List 3 things you'd like to accomplish before the end of 2005.
- promotion at work
- start my part-time college program and have at least one course successfully completed
- end world hunger (hey you gotta aim really high on at least one of them)

Salad - When you're online, what do you spend the most time reading/playing/doing? Suggest a site for us to visit.
Obviously I spend all of my time on websites to improve my mind. Or really I spend most of my time on the CNN website reading propaganda and the rest of it on neopets.com. No really, supporting and playing with my little pet in Neopia is like an economy lesson. Really. Honestly. I'm not addicted.

Main Course - What would the title of your autobiography be?
Murphy's Law and Me

Dessert - What time do you usually go to bed?
At least two hours past when I should have gone to bed.

2005-07-03T23:04:00.000-04:00

I think that one of the best feelings in life is being loved more then you think you deserve.

Friday's Feast (yes I know its Sunday)

2005-06-27T02:02:00.000-04:00

Appetizer - What time do you usually wake up each day? If you could choose your wake-up time, when would it be?
I usually wake up about half an hour after I wanted to be awake. I would like to get up at seven or eight every morning because once I'm up I actually like mornings... its getting up that I hate.

Soup - When was the last time you bought groceries? What store did you go to? Name 3 things you purchased.
I went on Sunday and I purchased frozen garlic bread, diet coke and salad because those are three of my favourite things.

Salad - How many books have you read so far this year? Which was your favorite and why?
I've definitely read way too many to put a number too, since I tend to devour books. I read the entire Patricial Cornwell series and really enjoyed them. My favourite was Fugitive Pieces which I re-read for the billionth time... it is my favourite because it takes something that was so ugly and unfathomable and puts into into such a beautiful frame that you can actually picture it. I don't think anyone could read it and not be touched.

Main Course - What is something you consider to be very elegant? In particular, what about that item/place/person conjures up the feeling of elegance?
I think that table settings in upscale restaurants/china stores are very elegant.

Dessert - Who taught you how to drive?
Ha - my Mom tried to but it was my Unky Bob who actually took me out and taught me how to drive well enough to pass my G2. It was when he told me to relax because "learning to drive is like sex, its better if you relax" that I was actually able to learn.

Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other

2005-05-10T02:59:00.000-04:00

Lately a lot I have been feeling as though I'm stuck under a pile of rocks and I can't get out from underneath it. I've made so many mistakes in the last little while and made so many choices that weren't necessarily good ones. Alright I've made more bad ones then good ones. And the prospect of the bad ones I will make in the future to compensate for the ones I've already made is overwhelming. So I'm putting a stop to it, and I'm turning things around of of now.

I might not have made the best decisions, and there are some things that I do want to change... but hopefully its not too late.

Tomorrow I'm going to get an early start and start working on the things that I need to change.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, and I half hope that some people don't. Mostly I just needed to vent tonight. To put into writing what I'm thinking, hopefully it will make it seem more real.

Here I want to say that I don't have too much going for me. But clearly that's completely off base and wrong. I have a lot going for me... just not a lot of that I have made use of. The best thing that I have going for me though is someone who loves me unconditionally. And someone who I know will help me and love me even when I screw up and even when I'm crazy and even when I'm throwing up. And I have to say thanks for that, cause it means more to me then anyone will ever know. And it makes it a lot easier to breathe under the rocks.

Edit

2005-04-26T23:53:00.000-04:00

Maybe sometimes I'm an idiot. Especially late at night.

Signs that its past your bedtime.

2005-04-26T04:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I have to wonder if its all worth it. Is anything worth the way I feel right now? Maybe I'll feel better when its not after 4am.

Fingers crossed.

2005-03-29T03:03:00.000-05:00

Not sure how I got to where I am. Not sure what I did. The fairly random choices that we make in our lives lead us in directions that we never thought we would travel in. I think that despite some major fears and uncertainties I have finally exorcised a demon that will make this month a lot easier. As if this time could ever be that easy.

Something that I quit doing... I am thankful for;
1. The chances I took that paid off.
2. Those that I love.
3. Life and the opportunities contained within.

And I pray for the strength I need right now.

More then you ever wanted to know... so bored

2005-03-05T01:57:00.000-05:00

So this post will teach you all two things - when I say that I should sign up for a pottery class I am deadly serious. Secondly... if you're bored enough to actually read it - come to pottery class with me.

I just saw these on other blogs and thought that they were cool. And I did it. And now you're stuck with it.

1. It drives me insane to leave the house if I haven't showered.
2. I'm not happy unless I'mthe right temperature.
3. White cars with dark tinted windows terrify me.
4. Sometimes food is the only thing that can cheer me up.
5. The smell of old aluminum screen doors is the smell of happiness.
6. I like Staples better then any shoe store.
7. Tall, red-headed men with full beards make me want to run and hide.
8. Buy me a cheesy card and I'll love you forever.
9. I actually liked the "Canadian Tire smell".
10. I believe the hardest part of having faith is trusting in things to turn out for the best, even while knowing that might not be the way you wanted things to turn out.
11. There is one laugh I would give anything to hear again.
12. Grown men whose minds never advanced past childhood make me cry faster then anything else.
13. Mozart's estimated IQ is around mind.
14. Clearly I used to be smarter then I am now.
15. I hate Valentine's Day.
16. I love zambonis.
17. I used to have to take pills crushed in jam - now I don't mind pills but hate blueberry jam.
18. My biggest fear is to be held somewhere against my will.
19. I got out of St. Thomas drug free.
20. I will try anything once except (clearly) drugs and strange meats.
21. I secretly think piercings are disgusting and have trouble wearing earrings... but I still do.
22. I have a Borges quote for every situation in life.
23. My best purchase of the year was a $5 Alf dvd.
24. I think hands are sexy. But only if you have sexy hands.
25. Loving Elvis is in my genes.
26. I would never date a guy who didn't have a job.
27. And empty Moosehead represents everything good about my girlfriends.
28. I love rings.
29. Pet Semetary was the scariest movie ever.
30. Libraries and I have a love-hate relationship.
31. I secretly (well it used to be a secret) love country.
32. Some of my wounds may never heal - but they remind me not to take life for granted.
33. I once payed over $20 for a Philosopher Kings cd - don't laugh they rule.
34. The best part about being the manager of anything is having keys.
35. At my lowest times I miss Canadian Tire.
36. I've read all the Little House on the Prairie books at least 200 times.
37. I actually say my prayers every night before bed.
38. I still sleep with the same blanket and teddy bear I've had since birth.
39. I have a secret plan in case I ever need to run away from home.
40. I would marry Gary Sinise but woudl never ever call him anything but Lieutenant Dan.
41. I am a classic Libra.
42. I like to believe the world is still a good place.
43. Tongue depressors are the worst things ever.
44. I have a sticker album and I love it.
45. In Grade Two I belonged to the Statler Brothers fan club (thanks Gram).
46. Need I add - public school sucked ass.
47. Crab soccer should be an Olympic sport.
48. I can't bear the idea of forgetting anything.
49. I am scared of going blind and losing my teeth when I get old.
50. Harlequins are what I read when I am depressed or lonely.
51. I wish I were even vaguely musical.
52. Tea can make anything better.
53. The word disciples is impossible to say under stress.
54. Josh Groban could do anything he wanted with me.
55. When I believe in something I don't give up.
56. I hate wallpaper in any form.
57. I've held more lizards then I care to remember.
58. I once covered my face in Penaten when I was supposed to be napping - there are pictures.
59. Sometimes I get really attached to book characters.
60. I hate a certain arrogant WLU poli sci prof - damn Docherty.
61. I hate mopping floors at work but like mopping my own at home.
62. Pictures make me happy - if I'm not in them.
63. My Neopet is 1703 days old.
64. I have really small ears.
65. My nickname was once Lopsided Midget Girl.
66. Men who can wear suits make me drool.
67. I have kissed a girl.
68. I want to bring back ICQ.
71. My first kiss was in grade nine.
72. Baseball players are my atheletes of choice.
73. I've never spent a night outside of Canada.
74. I burn my bridges.
75. I usually regret burning my bridges... but do it again the next time.
76. I don't trust anyone who smokes menthol cigarrettes.
77. I think that the United Way sponsors charities without requiring any accountability from them.
78. I lie well and easily - so I try not too.
79. Colouring books are fun.
80. I have to brush my teeth three times a day.
81. Not having lip balm could drive me over the edge.
82. I am constantly thirsty.
83. I want to be able to wear red lipstick without feeling ridiculous.
84. I once got a ride to school in a limo.
85. A lot of people I love have died - makes you worry eh?
86. I don't believe in the death penalty.
87. Yellow rooms make me happy.
88. Towels should always smell like dove soap.
89. Scents trigger memories more then anything else for me.
90. I don't fall in love easily.
91. I was nineteen before I had a kiss that stopped the world and made me say wow.
92. I avoid confrontation because I don't fight fair.
93. Pine trees are comforting.
94. Ruffles BBQ chips are the best.
95. I will procrastinate anything.
96. I love the middle of the night and sunrise more then any other times.
97. I want to live in Papa New Guinea because they have a climate of perpetual spring.
98. Autumn is my favourite season though.
99. I used to want to be a writer.
100. Yes the fact that I was bored enough to do this has made me want to reevaluate my life

I hate making decisions!

2005-03-03T00:36:00.000-05:00

I've gotten to the point that I don't even know where to start a post. So I don't. Clearly its been a few months since I even bothered to try.

I have no idea what I am doing with my life... where I am going or what I am going to do next year. Even a simple decision about where I am going to live is too much for me to deal with. I do not understand why crawling into my bed, under my covers and watching CNN all day is not a valid option. Alright maybe I'm exaggerating just a little bit as I clearly do drag myself out of bed every day. A few, very few people, who I love dearly say that whatever decision I make will be the right one, and support me no matter what decision it is I make. The rest all seem to think that whatever decision I make, and whatever options I suggest are clearly leading to a lifetime career at McDonald's working for minimum wage.

Unfortunately the people who have all the answers to my life scream louder then my own thoughts so they might be winning. See I always trusted their opinions before cause they were telling me how wonderful I am. Why shouldn't I trust them when they're telling me how wrong I am?

Its so hard to deal with the indecision and uncertainty... especially considering I always knew exactly where I was going in my life.

I should be happy - but instead I'm just overwhelmed.

Thanks to those who listen, hug and support. I love you more then you know. And I hope you're still there beside me when I'm flipping burgers at McDonalds. Someday I'll know what I'md oing right?

Ok - who paused time?

2005-01-25T23:30:00.000-05:00

So I never seem to know what to write anymore. I feel like I'm in some perpetual state of indecision and can't take any action until other people make decisions for me.

I'm almost done at UM. I want to start at Starbucks already and know my hours. I need to get a second job or a volunteer job or something to do with my time.

I want to get accepted to college or hell even rejected as long as it helps me decide where I'm going or what I'm doing.

If you're sensing a little bit of frustration with my life then you are probably correct. I hate relying on other people to make decisions.

This being said I suppose I shouldn't feel this much frustration. I am so happy. I have a great new job which I've wanted for awhile. I'm going to have free time! I haven't been rejected by any colleges yet *knocks wood*. I just would feel better having something a bit more productive to do with my time. I'm sure that soon enough I will be complaining that I am too busy. But I like it better that way lol. I know I'm ranting... and if you've made it this far you should get a gold star or something. Leave me a comment and I'll mail you one.

Buh-bye Union Market! Hello Starbucks!

2005-01-18T22:49:00.000-05:00

So I've made a few big changes in the last week or so. Alright one big change. I found a new job, at Starbucks - funny considering I don't really like coffee. It was time for new challenges and since its a job that matches the pay I am making now with more hours it seemed like the right time. It'll mean I don't have to worry about summer or next year. I'm really excited about the job, its shift supervisor and the people I'm going to be working for seem terrific. Its scary leaving Union Market and everyone there but I think I can do it and I think I'm going to like it. If not then I'll have learned my lesson! I start there the beginning of February - so give me awhile and then drop by and say hi!

Thanks to everyone who has been really supportive of my decision. I know that its what's best for me and I am excited, even though I'm really sad to be leaving a lot of good friends. Of course I'm not actually going that far!

Right now I'm at home sick with strep throat. Having a ton of fun with that. Missing more work then I really want to - alright time off is nice but not when its spent in bed - and hoping that I still have enough time to get everything done that I want to get done before I leave.

I'm tired now... just thought I would post since I haven't in awhile. Nothing special. My brain is so fried from being sick that I hope this makes sense.

Good news today :)

2005-01-11T23:58:00.000-05:00

Yay! I am so happy - got some good news today and I really hope that something comes of it. Keeping my fingers crossed. We'll see.

Things are good right now - I think finally deciding what I want to do and knowing what I have to do to achieve it has made a huge difference. And now all I have to do is wait. I hate waiting - have I ever mentioned how I am the most impatient person in the world?

I haven't been posting much lately. Life lately has been really good - I'm really happy. Sure there are things that I would like to work on, but things are alright. I'm happy.

Deep in your eyes I see the hope for dreams unspoken

2004-12-31T03:07:00.000-05:00

This has without a doubt been the most up and down year of my life. And its been the best. And for everyone who made it that way... I owe you so much that I can never repay.

Brian: Without you I would never have made the friends that I have made. I never would have known the happiness that I have felt. There are so many things/times/places in my life that would have not been the same without you. And the fact that we are ending the year together and in love is the greatest feeling - thank you.

Megs and Bonnie: There's this song that I heard once called Wednesdays. Just listen to it and it will tell you everything... we may not grow old with age, but we will always be on the same page. There aren't words to tell you what you have meant to me.

I'm a little drunk and a little too tired to finish this today... but I will tomorrow for everyone else who has made this an amazing year.

Thank you.

I am so happy right now.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night....

2004-12-24T23:36:00.000-05:00

So Christmas this year feels a little strange... just cause of work and stuff I was a little delayed getting into the Christmas spirit and then all of a sudden bang its Christmas Eve. Considering I couldn't even find the time to commit daily to my advent calendar its a little sudden. But I think its definitely still going to be the best Christmas ever.

I finally made it home today after being stranded in Guelph with Brian. Stranded probably isn't the right word cause it implies that I didn't like it - and really the extra time with the boy was nice and quite possibly exactly what I needed. Definitely the greatest gift I have is the knowing that we are together and in the words of someone really really S-M-R-T its "for real, for real". Never would have thought this time last year that this is where my life would end up. But it did and I am so happy. So its definitely a Merry Christmas.

And tonight was good - finally getting to be with my family. Its great seeing how good my Grandpa looks, and how less stressed everyone is. It felt like old times with no dark cloud hanging over us, or even the crazy insane joy of Thanksgiving - as great as that feeling was its nice to just have things back to normal. And by normal I mean normal for our family - which is actually a very scary place filled with loudness and wine and dancing... dear God the dancing.

Best of all - I get a few days without work phone calls before being thrown back into it.

Santa has definitely already been good to me. Really there is nothing else that I could ask for, except to have some people that I am missing a bit closer to me right now. But you're here in my heart (sigh for the cheesiness of it all). So to sum it all up and call it a night... I am so happy. I am so happy with everything that I have. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. My life is filled with so much love and happiness which is exactly how its supposed to be at Christmastime.

I'm sorry for the cheesiness... I figured it might be a nice break from my usual rant. If it would make you feel better I can follow it up with a rant about living in Canada and getting two feet of snow and the shovelling that follows. (By the way I am accepting donations for massage therapy.)

The sun is gonna shine

2004-12-16T01:31:00.000-05:00

"Any time something is written against me, I not only share the sentiment but I feel I could do the job far better myself. Perhaps I should advise would be enemies to send me their grievances beforehand, with full assurance that they will receive my every aid and support. I have even secretly longed to write, under a pen name, a merciless tirade against myself."
~Autobiographical Essay by Borges~

I think that this quote says so much. When we hear something negative said about ourselves, we tend to exaggerate it and make it worse. So when the comments start out quite unpleasant - the result snowballs and magnifies. There is no one who could judge me more harshly then I judge myself. And no one could ever doubt me more then I doubt myself. But some people sure are good at helping me along that path.

I further realized something I started to realize yesterday as I listened to myself speak (type?) to someone earlier. I need to let this constant tirade stop getting to me. I think it could be the most potentially damaging environment ever, threatening to send me to places that I never want to be again. I have to fight so hard every day to keep from doubting every single aspect of my life based on this one. And its ridiculous. No matter how things may once have been, I am not that insecure - and I refuse to stay in a situation that makes me feel this way.

I have to say thank you to Brian, Meg, Bonnie and my Mommy for dealing with my insecurities of the past little while with patience and love and support. If you can call threatening to throw someone into a snowbank support (thanks Meggie). And the only thing I can do with you guys is take some actual actions in order to move past this stage in my life. Which I am doing with fingers crossed. And a lot of telling myself that I am not failing - I am trying to be happy and there is nothing wrong with that.

And tomorrow is going to be such a good day - The Benefits of Doubt finally release their CD. Ben and Mike deserve it so much and it is going to be such a phenomenal night. Their music has meant so much to so many people - when I think of them I can't help but smile. No matter what else there was always Wednesdays and happiness/drunkeness/sadness/swaying/dancing/me trying to dance/love/hugs/support/hope and most of all friends. So yay Ben and Mike and yay for cd release parties!

I finally got S-M-R-T!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-12-14T23:26:00.000-05:00

You know what I hate about December and the holidays? Its supposed to be a time about family and love and friendship and fun. And it turns into this big stressed-out gift grab. Alright, I know that this is not an original post at all but really I think it needs to be said. Instead of having time to spend time with loved ones we're all busy working extra hard to make money - cause everyone is broke this month and running around doing all the meaningless things you have to do this time of year. I like presents with shiny bows as much as the next person, but I think this year my priorities are a lot different. I would so much rather have time, time to spend with everyone I love. That's what I don't have and what I would like the most. This is just a stupid rant about the commercializaton of Christmas.

But I hate seeing everyone (yes including myself) so stressed about everything at a time of year that is supposed to be about so much more.

I'm hoping that there is an end to my stress.. or at least I might be moving onto more bearable stress. Fingers crossed anyways we'll see how that turns out. See how realistic it is. I sure hope so though.

The way things are going in my life kinda suck. I have so much to be happy about and one thing holding me back from celebrating it. I know, a large part of that is completely my fault - I let it get to me and I put up with it. But that's ending tonight. From this moment on it is not going to get to me anymore. I will be leaving it behind and working on celebrating the things in my life that bring me joy. So thank you everyone for your patience with me. Those who know me know exactly what I am talking about. I refuse to feel badly about things that I should not feel badly about. I refuse to let anything interfere with the good things in my life. All I can hope is that I haven't realized this too late.

If tomorrow is judgement day...

2004-12-13T23:28:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think that I don't deserve any of the good things in my life. Cause sometimes I think that I take them for granted and that I don't appreciate them enough.

I miss my family, I never realized how much I would hate being so far away.

I have the best friends in the world and hate not having the time to spend with them, I hope they know how much I love them.

I have the best boy in the world... and I hope he realizes I feel that way.

The best things in my life are the things I take for granted. Whatever I wonder about sometimes, I know that I love you guys... and you are what I am sure about in my life.

I'm just your girl for all time!!!

2004-12-09T23:58:00.000-05:00

I am so excited about tomorrow! After what has been one bitch of a week it will be so good to have a night like old times, with the best band in the world and the best friends too. All I have to do is get through one more sleep and one more shift at work and then I will be free for a great night! I can't wait. I just hope that nothing happens to ruin it, which given my week is a valid wish. And I'd better be feeling better so that I can actually go. My fingers are going to fall asleep from being crossed so much!!!!

This has been a really bad week and I am definitely counting down the days till my break starts. Its not going to be long enough but its going to be good. I can't wait for Christmas and New Years - especially this year when I really have so much to celebrate.

Now if I can only make it through tomorrow... and then the next week and a half... and then I'll be here, relaxing, or at home relaxing.

And tomorrow night is going to be great! Love you guys and I can't wait to see you all tomorrow night.

Hugs

The leprachaun tells me to burn things

2004-12-08T23:48:00.000-05:00

So have you ever really really loved something only to end up wishing it would burn?? Alright - I'm not insane I just really wish everything would go away. I am getting out as fast as I can. Tonight was a really bad night.

Tomorrow has to be a better day. Alright so there is absolutely nothing that says that tomorrow is going to be any better but I really hope it is.

I just want it to be after my shift tomorrow so that I can come home and study and try to get a little bit better.

I am so tired of being so upset, frustrated and depressed all the time. I am so much better then this and I can do so much better then this. I'm tired of settling because I'm afraid of taking a chance. I know that I can do whatever I want to and I'm going to do what I want to do.

Thanks to everyone who puts up with my ranting and my misery. I promise that it will be over soon.

I probably deleted the greatest words man has ever read... well maybe not

2004-12-07T02:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think that I talk too much and say none of the things that I actually intend to say. As if by saying the wrong thing in mass quantities I could actually get my point across. I don't think that this whole blogging thing actually helps that at all. I make so much more sense when I'm writing on paper for my eyes only. Of course its really the thoughts that I vocalize that I have to worry about.

I feel like I should be so much unhappier right now then I actually am. Not everything is going that well right now, but the things that are are going very well. I'm really looking forward to this semester being over in the hope that the new year will make things better.

Hurray for new years... I'm kind of looking forward to this one.

Alright this is going absolutely nowhere... I'd be tempted to say that its time for me to stop posting for awhile but really the next time I need to rant I'm going to break that!

Maybe the post I deleted drunkenly last night should have been allowed to live - if nothing else it might have been more entertaining.

By the way - Michelle is the greatest!!! Who knew that someone who smells like garbage could be so great! :P

10:27AM - Today's Verdict: THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE MY DAY!!!

2004-12-03T10:24:00.000-05:00

So my essay is not going that well... everything seems to take ten times longer then it should. But whatever, it will get done and soon cause I'm just going to throw it pretty soon. Got part of my shift off but I have to go back cause I'm stupid.

Today just isn't going according to plan, not that life ever does. Everytime I think I have something all figured out something changes. My head hurts. I want it to be tonight - large parts of which might be spent randomly walking cause I really don't want to be all happy and drinking tonight lol.

Disclaimer: All of the above subject to change (lol - story of my life) with little to no notice. Chances are I'll probably be a little less stressed soon. Please excuse the rant... I am returning now to the essay of doom as I have taken to calling it.

Buh-bye!

2004-12-02T01:05:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been fighting with some feelings from my past. Things I don't really talk about to anyone, ever. But I finally realized that I've grown up and that I've moved on and that I'm a lot stronger then I used to be. Life isn't perfect but I know that some things will never be the way they used to be. And sometimes the best feeling in the world is knowing that there are some places you leave behind forever.

I had such a good day today - got to spend some time with friends. Didn't end up going out like I wanted to because I decided to be a good girl and do some of my essay and get some sleep before I have to go into work early tomorrow, but I managed to get everything else I wanted to get done done.

That's all... this is short because I need to go to bed. But I'm happy. And the best part is that this is a lasting, solid, believable happiness. And even if it wasn't - I would never be sorry for the last little bit of my life - cause its been so great.

We're scared but we ain't shakin', kinda bent, but we ain't breakin'

2004-11-24T01:56:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am borrowing a page from my wife's blog and making a list of the things that I am thankful for. There is a lot and I am a little tired of focusing on things that are negative.

- I truly have the best friends in the world. I have two heterosexual life partners who are everything I could ever hope for. Megs and Bonnie, you guys really are the best and I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't met you. Well actually I can cause padded hospital walls and a strait-jacket are pretty easy to picture. And although life gets in the way sometimes I hope you guys know how much I love you both. And not just you guys either, each and every one of my friends has brought me something special. I love you all and my life would me incomplete if any of you were missing from it.

- Good news from doctors. It is SO cliched to say that things with my Grandpa have given me a new view of life. But it is so true. Because things have turned out as well as they have I get a second chance. And I don't just mean with my Grandpa. Now that I've experienced how quickly your world can turn upside down and just how fragile life is I've realized a few things. Nothing is as important as the people that you love and the things in life that make you happy. And while work and everything unpleasant is necessary sometimes to make those things happen, they are what you have to value and find time for and just appreciate. So from now on I won't hesitate to tell someone how much they mean to me or do something that I want to do. Cause if you don't do it then you may never have the chance.

- Work. Alright so there are days when I really really really hate my job. But I have a job. And I do work with almost all of my best friends. It could be a lot worse. I may not always look forward to going into work but once I get there I like it.

- That everyone important in my life that I have told about my decisions for the future have supported me and told me that I have to do what will make me happy. Alright so maybe that's the reason they're important to me but regardless - thank you. You make a very scary decision exciting.

- Anyone who actually reads this... and sticks it out through my long, sometimes incoherent posts.

- Last but not least. I am most thankful for what I thought I would never have. I never let myself hope that I could be this happy or that things could be this amazing. Now every day I am torn between wanting to freeze every minute to remember forever or wanting to fast forward to the future because I am so excited to see what it holds. It took so long, it took so much but I never imagined that the reward would be this great. Brian, there's a quote on my wall that says a true lover always feels in debt to the one he loves. I owe you so much for the happiness that you have brought to me. And for anyone who reads this who rolls their eyes and thinks we're not going to make it - I am not thankful for your negativity but I am thankful that I have the chance to prove you wrong.

This is me - this is my disappointment in me

2004-11-18T01:49:00.000-05:00

ARRRGGG!!!! This post is fueled by my frustration - what you ask do I have to be frustrated about at 1:53AM? And no that is not an opening for dirty jokes. I'm just frustrated in myself and my lack of action sometimes. I'm alright - I'll deal. I'll even be better in the morning. Oh yah and don't read msn articles late at night, they'll just highlight all the things you are doing wrong and all the ways that you are screwing up your own life.

Sometimes I can't decide if I am too hard on myself or not hard enough.

I do however know that posting tonight is part of the problem not part of the solution. So I am going to go back to work and then I won't have to be mad at myself for procrastinating.

By the way, just in case its not clearly visible - this is a rant. I am now going to step away from the keyboard. I will be fine in the morning and I haven't gone off the deep end - just needed to vent. If you've made it this far I thank you for your audiencesque qualities and apologize for the idiocy of this post. ::Smiles & Hugs::

The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.

2004-11-15T23:56:00.000-05:00

Ah the lyric spam... such a fan! So I got this new Ivana Santilli cd which I believe everyone should buy as she is great and best of all Canadian. I can honestly say that after the first song on the cd I was captured.

You're So You

Why should I bother falling into
Anything else that would make
my nerves undo
Over again I do it to myself
We're @ our end
but there's always something else

CHORUS
All that I ever felt, you knew
Never a doubt that you would see me through
You're sometimes the say, always the do
It's so true
It's so oh oh oh
It's so true
You're so, you're so you

Wish I could say
what you deserve to hear
I'm trying my best
but the words don't come quite near
It's an old story, and even longer to tell
I just knew that you were sent,
the first day that I fell

You are the one that always
kept my heart this sound
You picked me up when you
shouldn't've had to have been around
You set your soul aside
to make sure I was crowned
You knocked me down with love,
so my feet stay on planet ground

Tonight was a really good night. Open mic was almost the same as it used to be - with one big addition and two big things missing. I remember last year when I lived all week for open mic - when everyone was together and everyone was happy and good things happened. Some nights I thought it was as good as it was going to get - but I was wrong. You can hope for more - and this year, I'm happier, friendships are real and deeper and there is more love in my life then I ever dreamt was possible. So thanks everyone for a great night and you friendship and the love you all bring to my life.

And for the two who were missing - love always.

Home is where the heart is - and you all have a piece of my heart

2004-11-15T02:00:00.000-05:00

So this was the weekend that I have been longing for.

Friday night was good - some Skinny Phat. Parts of it were interesting, but as a whole I think I am better off for the events of the night. At least now I can truly believe that whatever else happens one thing will remain constant.

Saturday was such a good day. Had to get up early for a staff meeting but that was alright. Then it was bundling up to watch the Golden Hawks win the Yates cup!!!!! And after that - HOME! Finally I got to go home and see my Grandpa. It was good to see him because he looked so good and it made me feel a thousand times better. And after I saw him I got to see Ruthie and Saron! It was a fun night. Even if I am old and had to go to bed early lol.

Today was a great day as well. Brunch, errands and then dinner with the family.

There were some sad parts to the weekend as well. I made a trip I've been avoiding for awhile, one of those things you have to do but would like to be able to avoid doing as well. Spent some time remembering the one who is in every thought I have always. Didn't really want to leave home to come back here. Started to drop a few hints about a few things and would have liked to have been able to come clean. But I'm biding my time.

However there were a lot more good things then bad things and a lot of things that I am thankful for.
1. My family - I miss them so much and seeing them is always good. Especially my Grandpa this time... now that I have actually seen him I am so much more relaxed.
2. Brian - For being there just because he can and asking nothing in return.
3. My friends - you guys make my life happy.
4. For memories and for knowing some people, even if the time spent together was too short and the memories will always be too few. Miracles do happen and when you find proof of that fact it changes your life and the way you live it - and for that I am truly thankful. No regrets.

Being home this time showed me a lot. It showed me a lot of things that I had been afraid to face before. It made me make a lot of decisions conclusively. Not going to post them on here - but if you ask me I will tell you.

Because apparently you can never have too much Borges...

2004-11-11T01:01:00.000-05:00

"To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god."

Has not been my best week ever. Well I take that back... if I were looking for material to use in writing a soap opera I would have had a stellar week. Since I gave up the writing dream a few years ago - I could have found a more productive use of my time.

I'm basically playing a waiting game until Saturday when I get to go home. I try not to think about the fact that by then it will be nearly two weeks since my Grandpa's surgery and the first time that I have been able to get home. Mostly because it makes me very angry and very sad. Here is where I say thank you to Taylor, Jenna and Brian who together are making it possible for me to actually get home. You guys rock!!!!!

I basically hate the person I have become lately. I've decided that I need to get out more and stress less. I'm thinking of finding some place to volunteer and finding more stuff to do with my time. I have a lot more time on my hands now that I have dropped some classes so I think I'm going to fill it out. I just feel better about myself when I'm busier and have more to do.

About the quote... now that the post is pretty much done I can actually stop to explain it. Its kind of an apology to everyone - I know that I've been really hard to get along with this week and really needy and probably really annoying. I really appreciate everyone for putting up with me and for being there with me. I know I will be feeling a thousand times better once I get home to see my Grandpa. Three more days and I can stop the inward pacing and insanity that has been driving all of my actions lately. So thanks to everyone who came by to bring me diet coke and hugs, talk to me and make me happy or drive to come and give me hugs and spend time with me. I appreciate it more then you know. And after a weekend home it will be my turn to make it up to you!

Love to everyone.

Pathetic fallacy - the world has stopped raining for me

2004-11-05T02:47:00.000-05:00

Please ignore the part where the world started snowing instead... I'm going for effect not reality.

This is that count your blessings post I talked about... cause I'm definitely happier. Yay for boys who make you happy and Bonnies who suggest random Morty's trips. Love you both.

Pathetic fallacy at the best... the world is raining for me

2004-11-04T13:54:00.000-05:00

So not a good day. In fact I am actually at the point where I'm pretty much crawling back into bed and not leaving it for the rest of the day. Only substitute bed for desk and put a stack of textbooks in front of me. Every had one of those days where nothing can go right for you and nothing you do is right? I feel like such an idiot. Bad morning at work... wasted someone's really valuable time... I think my computer might crap out again at any second (already did once this morning).. and to top it all off my Gramps isn't coming home tomorrow after all.

Alright I promise I'll update later with one of those count your blessings things... but for right now its my pity party and I'll cry if I want to.

Winds of change are blowing wild and free...

2004-11-01T01:19:00.000-05:00

Where would the world be without Garth Brook songs to quote from? Ok so maybe the whole world doesn't care but I'd be short one post title!

I just had such a good weekend that its a little dizzying. Didn't do anything really exciting, Friday night I stayed in and hung out with Brian, Bonnie and my roommates. But I went to bed early!!!! Had a good shift at work on Saturday and had a good night of scary movies and drinking. Today I had a day off of work (almost didn't happen that way lol) which meant sleeping in, making breakfast with Kay and Brian, getting to see Jazzy, field trip to Guelph to see cute little kids in costumes and waterpolo. Short of a little Fiascos action I don't think it could have gotten any better!

Despite life being really full of changes lately I'm so happy that it scares me. A lot. Things right now are just so good. It makes me want to just freeze life and enjoy it for awhile. But even though I am a little afraid... for the first time I have total faith that it can be a lasting thing... that the happiness is not fleeting and temporary. I have so much faith in tomorrow. Its a new feeling... one that I kind of like.

Probably going to have an anxious afternoon tomorrow while I await news of the operation. But it'll be alright... I'm worried cause it is surgery but not super worried. Gonna say my prayers and trust that the outcome will be good. Thanks again to you all for being there for me through this... I couldn't have made it through a few of those days without you.

The curse of having nothing left to prove

2004-10-28T23:33:00.000-04:00

I don't know who reads this anymore. I don't actually believe that anyone really needs to hear the thoughts in my head. Except for the times that I think that everyone should be exposed to my brilliance. Its really a minute by minute thing. This is not the point of this post. (Implying of course that there is a point to any post.)

Went to a Benefits of Doubt show tonight. Good times as always. Almost always anyways. Made me think a lot about how things change. I went to a similar show this summer... the scene and the cast were a little different but its all the same in the end. One song made me cry this summer, same one made me laugh tonight. Even though things stay generally the same, sometimes the meanings behind them change. I think I might be being vaguely metaphorical again... in the sense that that's true about a lot of things. Even though the actions/places/activities stay the same... the meanings behind them change. Sometimes slowly and sometimes literally overnight.

I guess that's all I have to say. Somedays I can't decide if I'm happy or sad and I think this one of them. I think that I need to get more sleep cause I don't think I could reach a higher level of incoherency even if I really tried.

And when you're with me if I close my eyes, There are times I swear I feel like I can fly

2004-10-26T01:52:00.000-04:00

I'm better then last night - so this post may be less of a rant and possibly less entertaining. After I posted last night I spent a good two hours in bed trying to decide what I wanted to do. Believe it or not I actually made a decision. And I think that its a good one - it leaves my options open so that I have time to make absolutely certain that this is what I want but also lets me make the changes I want to make.

Since I came here I've been lost and confused. Today for the first time I feel like I have a sense of purpose and direction to what I want to do. I can't wait to get started!

Thanks to everyone I've talked to who has told me to go for what makes me happy. And especially thank you to those that always show me their total faith and belief that I can and should do anything I want to do. You know who you are and hopefully you have some idea of how much it means to me. It wouldn't be the same without you behind me - not sure I'd have stuck it out this long and for sure I wouldn't have the courage to do this. I promise that you're going to be really really proud of me - I will live up to your faith in me!! And I'm going to do it doing something that I like.

I can't believe how much better I feel about everything.

*Counts blessings*
- Friendships and love that I never expected but that have changed my life and bring me so much happiness every day. I've used the word happy so much lately I might have worn it out for the rest of the world.
- The fact that I realized this and gave myself a good kick before it was too late.

And now I'm going to knock wood that this actually works out and haul my ass to bed.

You'd like to think you were invincible, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time?

2004-10-25T01:37:00.000-04:00

So its been awhile since I posted anything "deep". No late night "Dawson Creekesque" blogging, but I think its that time again.

If someone asked me right now what my priorities were I would unfortunately be at a total loss for words. If someone asked me where I am going in life, I would tell them my plans for the rest of the day and hope it satisfied them. I fear someone asking me why I am doing any of the things I am doing because I could not find the words to tell them.

So I've decided that its time to stop kidding myself. I hate my program... if I even really have a program. I used to think that I was headed towards multiple degrees and an eventual career as an academic. Coming into university I was ambitious, well-directed and focused. I think we can all agree that currently I am anything but. So where does that leave me? Wasting my time and my money on something that I don't want to be doing. And its a lot of money. I can't afford it and all I do is stress about it.

It has taken me a very long time to admit this. I've had the seven year plan going since I was nine years old. To me the scariest thing in the world is admitting that I feel out of control and that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Its not a good feeling for me - there are many butterflies tying knots in my stomach just from the simple act of typing out my thoughts. But unfortunately I cannot afford to deny it any longer - not in terms of time and not in terms of money and definitely not in terms of my own sanity. Already I feel trapped in the direction I am going, and I refuse to wake up when I am forty with a husband and children, miserable and unable to make any changes.

The truth is that I don't know where I am going... the only thing that I do know for sure is where I do not want to go. So in the interest of having some secrets I am not going to announce my plans on here. If you want to know you can ask me and I will tell you. I am NOT implying that I have any firm plans, or any real idea of where I'm going. I just think that for the first time I might have a better idea of where I want to go.

I thought coming into university that being an adult meant toeing the line and doing what has always been expected of you by yourself and others. And I think that a lot of people think that. But I disagree and I'm done pretending that this is what I want or that I know. If I have to smile pretty one more time and make up some bullshit line about where I'm going in life I'm going to scream.

That was a rant.

I'm afraid.

But I refuse to feel this directionless and unfocused anymore. I am going to find something that gives me back the ambition that I used to have.

I think I'm going to college.

I have one edit to make. There are a few priorities and a few things I am sure about. Mostly my friends and my family. This weekend helped to highlight that. I miss my family... I am more homesick then I have ever even admitted to myself. No I am NOT considering moving home. So I have to say that the friends, the boy, and the family are priorities. So I do know one thing... if I had nothing else but them.. I would be alright with that.

Quote of the Day

2004-10-22T01:42:00.000-04:00

"A religious man is a person who holds God and man in one thought at one time, at all times, who suffers harm done to others, whose greatest passion is compassion, whose greatest strength is love and defiance of despair."
- Abraham Heschel

(Thought I'd lay off of the Borges for one night... just something to think about.)

Not too many words tonight

2004-10-21T01:04:00.000-04:00

I really don't have that much to say. Things are going pretty good for me. They're busy but at least I'm starting to feel a lot less sick. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow all better! Today was a pretty good day... wrote my CS 101 exam and didn't do as badly as I was afraid I would. Had a surprise visitor for dinner which was nice and got to watch the Yankees lose. I cannot find words to express how much that made my day :P. Alright so its been a few years since I watched any baseball. Now I have a week of slightly less to do. And Saturday I get to go home! I think I have Brian hooked on St. Thomas!

Really don't have that much to say. Which is unusual. Maybe after I go home.

I guess I'm just really content. Work is stressful and so is school... but I can deal. I'm just happy. Be even better after I go home. I just wish all my friends could be happy too... I want to fix everything. Sigh. I guess I can only really fix things for myself. Hopefully just being there will help. Its all I can do as much as I wish that I could do more. I think that might be one of the hardest things to admit, how powerless I am to make the people I love happy. :(

The only way I have to measure time

2004-10-18T01:56:00.000-04:00

I don't feel well :(. I haven't felt well for a few days now but tonight I thought I was going to pass out. I think I'm just stressed, once I get through this week things should be better. I hope anyways. I'm really just whining to get sympathy right now. So I will move on.

Haven't written much lately... nothing of importance. Its kind of ironic that when you're happy you have far less to say then when you are unhappy. I would think that I would rather blog when I'm happy - turns out when you go to bed with a smile on your face its not as necessary to air out your feelings. It does however make most of my playlist and msn names rather obsolete. No sad music today. Anyways I'm still not feeling well and this post is going nowhere fast... so I think I'm just going to call it a night.

Quickly before I do - just wanted to tell all my girls how much I love them... even those who aren't near by. I'm here for you all anytime you need me - just call.

Its like I'm the coyote - and the brick wall says "reality" not "acme"

2004-10-14T23:06:00.000-04:00

Its been a very long week. Got a lot done... but the more I do the higher it gets. Not the way thats supposed to work. Work is stressful. Work is going to kill me. I don't want to talk about work. This was going to be a rant but I just don't want to think about it. My stomach does funny little knotty things and that one muscle in my neck starts to clench up. So moving on...

In other news, well there is no other news really. Things other then work remain blissfully status quo. Its like I pay for my happiness in everything else at work. Which is fine. Cause I really am happy. School is going better then last year and a bit better then I expected. I am hopelessly behind and I have so much to do... but I am doing it. And someday I may catch up. Time spent with the girls lately has been a lot more then usual and as always the best times ever! I continue to be very happy with the boy. If I didn't have you all to go to then I would be so much more stressed. I feel badly for those who don't have people to believe in them and be behind them 100% without asking for any proof to back up their belief. You all are the best. I couldn't ask for more support or more love.

So I'm going to go back to work now... the more I get done the less stress there will be? Right? Well we'll see. There aren't enough hours in the day for everything I need to do and far too few for the things that I want to do. Gotta pay your dues though right? Someday I'm going to have a great career and a family *choke* and yah won't be less stressed but it will be better stress. Right? Right?

If I wake up in WWIII

2004-10-12T23:36:00.000-04:00

I definitely had the best birthday ever! The day started out pretty quietly, got dressed up in my pretty new birthday clothes and did some reading for my midterm. Then Brian came over and made me dinner for my birthday. Surprisingly enough he can actually cook! After that me, him, Bonnie, Sean and Meggie all went to Uncle Greg's to drink and hang out before heading to Failtes. It was the best night ever. We didn't do anything that we wouldn't do on a normal night but it was one of the best nights ever.

I'm glad that my friends were there to share it. You guys are the best. I can't imagine anything that could have made this weekend more special (cept having my girls from home here too). Bonnie and Meg are the best heterosexual life partners you could ever hope to have, and Sean always adds to any party! And you know... as far as boyfriends go... Brian is alright ;)

I know that this is the third post in a row saying the same thing. But this weekend was one of the best of my life. And even though I'm back into the real world with a crash today I still stop every little while and smile to myself about this weekend. I'm going to hang onto that feeling no matter what. Cause this weekend has been one of the most real (and surreal) of my life. And I wouldn't let anything or anyone try to change that.

Happiest Birthday Ever!!!

2004-10-11T02:00:00.000-04:00

So I turned twenty two hours ago... sitting at Fiasco's with my heterosexual life partner. A hug at midnight and back to the conversation at hand. And already I can say its the best birthday I've ever had. I hate my birthday... but I have a feeling this birthday could change that.

Surprise surprise - its late at night and I'm feeling nostalgic about being nineteen. It was in retrospect a really really really good year even if it was full of a lot of highs. One year ago today I was at Legends with Shaun, Sara and Jay. Sara and Jay had just gotten engaged and I was miserable at school wanting only to move back home. It really doesn't take very long for your life to change completely.

This year I made some of the best friends of my life. I know that no matter what happens these are the friendships that will stay with me. Just as some of my friends from high school are still with me. And it definitely changed my life. At Thanksgiving dinner my Mom always makes us all say one thing we are thankful for - for me tonight it was my friends. My life would be lacking so much without my friends. Meeting you all was the best thing that could have happened to me. Hurray for heterosexual life partners! I'm so happy here now and now I wouldn't want to go home! Except that I really miss my family. A lot. But things are good at home and they don't need me. They miss me, but they don't need me.

I learned a lot this year... about my priorities and what I really want from life. Turns out I had no idea what I wanted in high school. Who knew that the goals you made then would turn out to be ideals that you laugh at now.

I met my best friend this year. I don't think anyone will actually be surprised when I say how much I care about him, beyond friendship. Beyond not being able to imagine my life had we not met, I don't want to. I wasn't heading to happy places but that changed the first day we ever really spoke to each other. Who knew that sorting cutlery could turn your life upside down. But it did. Believe it or not I can't find the words for what I want to say. It keeps getting better and I never expected (only hoped) for the chance to see if there is something more. And there is... and I'm so excited to see what that is and for the chance to make an amazing friendship even more incredible.

I've been saying how afraid I am of twenty. And I was. But this weekend has been the best weekend of my life. And I know that if twenty is anywhere near as good as this year it's going to be ok! And besides really - who isn't happy once they are no longer a teenager??

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2004-10-10T11:56:00.000-04:00

Hurray for Thanksgiving. I thought that this year Thanksgiving was going to be anything but. AND FOR ONCE I AM MORE THEN HAPPY TO ADMIT THAT I WAS WRONG! This has been one of the greatest weekends of my life, if not the greatest. So much that I have been hoping and wishing for has come true. I had myself so prepared for bad news that I cannot believe the good news we got. I guess sometimes wishing and praying really is enough! And if that wasn't enough news to make my weekend... I got lucky enough to have someone really special to share it with. Someone who was there with me every step of the way - I couldn't have made it through this otherwise. And that made my weekend even better.
Not too mention text messages and goody bags from my friends who aren't here but are always here with me :D. And winnning on a Bingo ticket! Plus seeing friends I've missed, good times at Burtys (yes I said it) and seeing my family. How could this not be one of the greatest weekends ever.
And its just going to get better... turkey tonight, followed by Fiascos with the hottest heterosexual life partner ever and then my birthday tomorrow! I have the best friends in the world. Happy Thanksgiving! I hope that everyone else has as much to be thankful for as I do.

PLEASE

2004-10-08T01:53:00.000-04:00

Do you remember when you were a child, and you were playing cards and for a moment you didn't look at the cards you'd just been dealt - you stopped and you wished so hard to be holding what you wanted in your hand. Even though you knew the cards had already been dealt and you really couldn't change them you still thought for a second that if you wished hard enough you could change it? I feel that way. Do me a favour - when you read this, if anyone reads this, close your eyes and wish with me, pray a little with me. By the time you do I'll probably already know, but on the off chance that its possible...

I'm standing on a threshold of a day that will change my life. I have to ask again, what do you do when all you have is faith in God that what happens is the way it is supposed to go, even when you know that it might not be what you want to happen. At the moment all I have is faith.

If I've learned one thing lately its that the time you are living is all you really have. There is nothing sure about the future. And if you spend all your time worrying about what the future holds you're going to wake up one day to a wasted past. So what's the point of worrying about something that might or might not happen. Truly the world could end the day after tomorrow (with random wolves and everything) and then what? I just want to be able to know that I lived every day for that day - and if the future isn't what you plan for, at least the past, which is all the reality we have, was everything you wanted it to be.

I swear the woman went crazy

2004-10-04T17:21:00.000-04:00

Alright so the weekend was kind of a comedy of errors. Basically anything that could go wrong did go wrong. But after a night with the girls that resulted in a lot more clarity (seldom what you leave the bar with lol) and a day that *knocks wood* has shapen up to be not so bad (it helps if you sleep away a fair portion of it) I have some hope for my future. That's all I'm here to say. Going to go get dressed for open mic.

And can I just say (I know I did drunkenly last night) how knowing that Meg and Bonnie and I will always be there for each other is the best feeling in the world? You aren't anything without your girls.

Alright, fingers crossed for a better week.

Definitely drunk blogging right now.

2004-10-04T03:10:00.000-04:00

So I am definitely drunkenly blogging right now. Yet you will notice that I am not in the hospital with alcohol poisoning (ps. definitely the most hurtful statement of my life). I think I am definitely stronger then a lot of people in my life give me credit for. And I include myself in that statement.

So the lesson learned this weekend would be that I can survive a lot more then I thought I could. Cause it has been one shit ass weekend. And guess what? Not in the fucking hospital. The time I have spent in tears has been well wasted. And tomorrow will be another day and I will do what I have to do. Another day is done and I managed to actually enjoy some of it.

Ended up at Fiasco's tonight cause the work thing just wasn't happening for me. And it was good with Bonnie and Meg... I know that no matter what they will always love me.

Things I am thankful for:
1. Time in my life that I will NEVER regret as it brought me so much and made me realize so much.
2. That Bonnie and Meg at least understand the concept of unconditional.
3. That tomorrow as much as I hate it I will wake up and I will make it through the day.

You have a gun to my heart but its not my most vulnerable spot

2004-10-02T03:49:00.000-04:00

"One of the schools in Tlon has reached the point of denying time. It reasons that the present is undefined, that the future has no other reality than as present hope, that past is no more than present memory... Another maintains that the universe is comparable to those code systems in which not all the systems have meaning, and in which only that which happens ever three hundredth night is true."
-Tlon, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius - Jorge Luis Borges

For those of you who missed my rapidly deleted post yesterday I will repeat. Borges was an author who was rammed down our throats in English. Grass, Borges and Kafka in one class came close to turning me off of literature completely. Its funny how quickly your entire perspective on something can change. Somedays now I need Borges to describe the "unreality" of my life.

"It has been a very long day" she thinks at 3:59am. This as she looks around the room for her misplaced feelings of legitimacy and the permanent marker she had once used to chart her future.

Its looking like the seven year plan has become somewhat more of a necessity. There are some things that I have learned about life recently that might influence that plan.

1. Regrets are for people who let their fear stand in the way of the chances they want to take and the moments they will want to cherish for the rest of their lives. If you let fear stand in the way of living then you're not going to live.
2. Seven year plans are bullshit. If you can manage to plan a week you're doing well. From now on there will be room left in the plan for events and people who hijack your life. You may end up on a different path then you started on but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
3. Have faith because from that faith you can draw hope. And once you have hope its so easy to love. And the love in your life gives you strength. There is the story of my tattoo which will read "Faith Hope Love Strength".
4. I didn't think that I was capable of having unconditional and patient feelings. But I am. I do. I am much more permanent then the black marker in which I drew my original seven year plan.

Trying desperately to believe Margaret Thatcher...

2004-09-30T01:29:00.000-04:00

"Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing: it's a day when you've had everything to do, and you've done it." ~ Margaret Thatcher

So I'm trying desperately with post-its and everything to make myself believe that quote. Really looking back on my day the small portion of it where I was lounging was actually kind of nice. However I can say that I got a lot done today. Maybe there is hope of me getting caught up yet. My husband Plato and I are going to discuss our irreconcilable differences and even have some visitation time with our son Aristotle. (Yes I could possibly have finally gone off the deep end.)

Is it Thursday night yet? I have an amazing weekend - I have Friday off, don't open on Saturday and I don't work on Sunday. Yes - the fact that I have that much time open to spend in the library now qualifies a weekend as amazing. Maybe that moving sidewalk might actually start to slow down after this weekend. We'll see. All I know is I should be able to get some stuff done and if I just don't take my cell phone with me perhaps the distractions will be limited.

My goal is to get caught up on my readings and get work to a somewhat more manageable status by Monday and then celebrate at Open Mic as I've been told I have to be there this week. Damn!

Alright, back to work... sorry about the boring post, its been a long day but I needed a study break before I get back to the reading. Hugs to all.

Travelling through life one landmark at a time

2004-09-28T01:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm wandering through my life like an olden day explorer, living to find the next landmark to record. These are the days when I don't feel like life is a moving sidewalk and I'm running a marathon in the wrong direction. Today though was a landmark day. And it got me thinking about the events that mark my life - both the unexpected and the expected ones.

I've had a lot of these days over the summer. And crayoned in on my little map are the things that have changed my life. One phone call, one question, one touch - all of which are really a cumulation of deformed molecules, other silenced questions and countless caresses. As if on the map the ground slowly grows wetter until you're floating in the middle of a lake.

A week ago at this time I was feeling unbearably lonely. That has changed over the course of this week. Sometimes when you hit upon a landmark you feel a sense of deja vu, of overwhelming comfort and familiarity as though in a different lifetime this was home. And for awhile you linger. Of course lingering too long is a mistake, and eventually the white expanse of the unfinished map calls you forward. From the vantage point of this familiar place it is easy for me to picture the next landmark. I know what it will look like, and I know how I will feel when I finally reach it. And I hope that my journey takes me to that place.

Things I am thankful for:
1. faith, hope, love, strength
2. Quiet times with friends who understand my need for these quiet times.
3. Southern Exposure - watch out for the May Sweeps!!

A day that "Rendered me so isolated, so motivated"

2004-09-27T01:56:00.000-04:00

I think I might be in love with Lucas Mire... Marcos was pointing me towards songs. The lyrics to Heartbeat... definitely my song of the day. And today has been one of those days when you go through a lot of different songs searching for the one to sum up the day. As if there is anyway to sum up this particular day.

That the day is almost over is the best way to sum it up. For about ten minutes I thought it was going to get a bit better. Shoulda knocked wood.

So much faith. Never thought that I could have so much. Never thought that there would get to be a point in my life where I would have to. My patience has been tested, bent and nearly broken today. I feel like I'm a board set between two stones and I'm being jumped up and down on to see how long it will be until I break. Some people may be a little surprised. Although ironically enough I'm pretty close to snapping... and you know I've been up too long when I start mixing metaphors.

This day has been so very long. I never understood how you can go to bed on a tomorrow that has so much promise and wake to a day that holds so little fulfillment. Tomorrow - I am going to the bank, I am buying conditioner, I am going to a staff meeting and then I am going to sit in my room and read. If you want me, that's where I will be. Feel free to crash my anti-socialness but don't expect me to exit on my own.

I don't know what I hate more - when your tomorrows fall short of your expectations or when you're too tired to have any.

I'm tired of being expected to write someone off based on the experiences and emotions of another. I can't do it, I won't do it and I won't be ashamed that I won't. Maybe I'm going to get hurt doing it, and certainly I have in other situations. But I won't live a life with regrets about wasted friendships. I'm not shy about standing up for myself if betrayed or hurt - but until that actually happens I'm not going to live my life as if it had. If I did I would have already missed out on one of the most beneficial and uplifting friendships of my life. This is not an attempt to devalue anyone's emotions or experiences or an act of ingratitude, simply an attempt at explaining a point of view and a small defense of someone who is one of my best friends and has always treated me as such. Things are not always as obvious as they seem and there are two points of view to every story. This is mine. That's all that I'm saying on this subject.

Do over - "We, we who were, we are the same no longer"

2004-09-16T22:36:00.000-04:00

Tonight is a night full of nostalgia and comfort. Nostalgia cause I remember a lot. I remember being with someone and being content knowing that it would be the same forever and the comfort and the love and how knowing they knew you and you knew them was all you asked for. Like Garth says - thank God for unanswered prayers. Sure I was wrong but its not wrong to miss that feeling is it? More then anything its a desire to be allowed to love someone cause you know them and you want to. Its more then that though. Its everything that I used to be and definitely turned off for awhile. I just want to be that person again - I was so on top of things and I was so in control of my life. I did not let anyone dictate what I wanted. And I was never so easily thrown by other people's actions.

Not sure where the comfort part came in. Except that I think I might actually be closer to "there" then I have been in awhile. Definitely an eye-opener tonight in terms of what I want and what I don't want. I spent a lot of time not living by my principles and now I am paying for it. And the solution is actually pretty easy. If I follow my instincts and do what I think is right then I'm not going to have to feel this way again. Hurray for being true to yourself and to your heart. In a lot of ways its game over. In more ways its going to be so much better for me. From now on I'm only going to do what feels right to me. And then I won't have regrets. Lesson learned. The Neruda helped for sure.

You raise me up to more then I can be

2004-09-15T23:45:00.000-04:00

I know its sad - definitely a Josh Groban line but if you went to see him in concert you would understand. That and the song says it all.

I just wanted to say thank-you to someone. I was really really discouraged today and feeling like a bit of a fuck up to be perfectly honest. They however were great and really made me feel a lot better about myself and my life right now. And thanks to them I've decided to try for something that I really wanted and know that I can achieve but was afraid to try before. Its nice knowing that someone has faith in YOU and not in appearances. Sometimes its just what you need to make a bad day a lot better. A lot of hard work and some priorities and I know I can do whatever I want. Not going to spend a lot of time on here spouting off about my goals. If everything goes alright and I get it then there will be plenty of time to tell everyone. And if not then I don't have to eat my own words. JK! But thanks. Meeting you changed so much and I'm gonna make you proud of me!

Even if it means a greatly reduced occurence of Skinny Phat/make your own martini nights. Sigh. But no regrets for the best months of my life. The friends I've made and the memories I have I would not trade for anything cause they're going to be what I remember and what last forever.

I have a lot to be thankful for right now:
1. I've had this conversation with my beautiful wife - when I eventually do graduate I will know that my degree meant something because of the work that I had to put into getting it. I will have earned it for sure and for certain.
2. For my friends who are there and who encourage me and support me through everything. I've needed a lot of that lately and hopefully now things are moving in a different direction. But I know that if not you will still be there for me and it means a lot for me to have that in my life.
3. Finally but definitely not third in my thinking - a ray of hope. Awhile ago I said that the scariest thing was when all you can do is trust God to make the right decision even while knowing it could very well not be the one I want. So today I'm thankful for that little ray of hope. Its not decisive... and who knows when the clouds will return, but its there and that's all that matters.

2004-09-07T21:41:00.000-04:00

Well I'm a little afraid of my new living arrangements... work is a little hectic and stressful... boys are stupid throw rocks at them... family things are tense and worried to say the least. Time for a rant in my blog - I think so.

Its been a long time since I posted. Been a long time since I could get my thoughts in enough order to post with any degree of coherence. I think I've decided now that I am going to be alright. Maybe the most that you can actually hope is that you can decide to pull it together and make it through tomorrow. Life is a choice right? Sometimes it just takes me longer to get there then usual.

Thanks to everyone, a few people in particular who know who they are (or should) who have been there for me. Your hugs and shoulders and tag-teaming helped more then you know.

I'm feeling the need to move away from certain things in my life. I shouldn't lie - I'm not really feeling it so much as knowing that I have to. Change is so hard especially when your heart isn't in it. Fuck necessity.

Gawd. This post is going no where fast. Maybe I'm not as coherent as I thought.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I wake up and things have started to make sense again. Or maybe I'll just really get tired of my aimless rhetoric and stop posting? It might be doing the world a favour!

Life is nothing more then the choices that we make

2004-08-26T03:11:00.000-04:00

Don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over?
And all the Best Deceptions and the Clever Cover Story awards
Go to you
So kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you
You will be back someday
And this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips
Will be of service to keeping you away
To keeping you away

I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers
I'll be all right when my hands get warm
Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing
I'd rather you'd never heard my voice

You're calling too late, too late to be gracious
And you do not warrant long good-byes
You're calling too late
~The Best Deceptions, Dashboard Confessional

My last post for a bit until I get internet at my new place. Believe it or not I'm actually getting all emotional at moving. Alright not at moving out of here... but what it represents. This summer is over. I'm officially declaring it dead - its been so long, its been so bad, its been so great. Things will never again be the same. "We, we who were, we are the same no longer."

Life is nothing more then the choices that we make... and out of necessity there are some actual choices being made. Due to being in total agreeance with my heterosexual life partner (yah imagine that) I'm not going to bore anyone with my grandiose plans and goals. Out of necessity some behaviours are going to end, and some different ones will take their place. There has been a lot of Dashboard playing lately. While I'm sure this song is supposed to refer to an actual person - its pretty symbolic of a lot in my life. The best deceptions are the ones that we create for ourselves. When in doubt deceive yourself. I'm a level ten expert at that.

This is a night for unshed tears and aborted dreams. Tonight I am praying for the strength to see only what is actually there and the ability to embrace the opportunities that do exist.

I am deeply thankful tonight for many things:
- My friends - the nights together, the memories I carry, the plans we have and the outrageous groping that happens whenever we're together.
- faith, hope, love and strength
- allergy medication

Everybody tells me I am wrong, when I know I'm not, something in me moves to be strong cuz its all I've got

2004-08-19T22:29:00.000-04:00

Such a weird mood lately. It will be very good to get back to school and real work (Union Market) because I think my life just needs some direction. I don't understand why I'm so moody lately cause I am at a really good place in my life. I'm so excited about work and school - things really look good and are going to be so much better then they were last year. And the countdown is on for Meg to be home and the Zurich wall is starting to crumble! Spur, Skinny Phat, vodka nights with some guitar playing (not me obviously), randomness and all the McChickens Bonnie can eat.

In other news.... three more days at Harveys. That's right! The countdown is on. After that a week off. Well four days off anyways. But whatever. I have time to do more Union Market stuff and most importantly to move. Don't underrate the moving part.

I guess its all about new beginnings for me right now. Maybe my strange mood stems from having to wait for the new beginnings to begin already. I wish that time would hurry up. Waiting and wondering has never been a good scene for me - I need to be able to act.

I believe in you so much that I could die for the words that you say

2004-08-16T03:40:00.000-04:00

So I've been asked a lot lately why I don't go for this guy or that guy. I thought I would address the issue here and now and in the future refer people to this post. So I've met a lot of great guys lately. A girl would be lucky to have any... well most... of them. But no. I'm holding out. And for what you ask? I want a man (problem #1) who can break my heart. I'm not in a place where I need the security/comfort/companionship/whatever of some casual but steady, together because we get along well and we should be in this for the sake of having someone relationship.

I want to be with someone who I am with because I can't get them out of my thoughts, because I hold on for their every word (see title of post/Dashboard Confessional - Ghost of a Good Thing) and because I cannot imagine not being with them. When I have that then I will give up being single and plunge back into the scary world of love. Until then I will not settle and I will not compromise the love that I know is out there. I want someone who would be able to break my heart - and to have that I have to give my heart to someone. And that's not something that I'm going to do easily.

Further theories on love: Life never seems to send us things at the right time. And I'm pretty sure that the idea of something being perfect is a bit of an illusion, the best you get is perfect for you. But I do believe that things happen for a reason. And that if you give things a chance they will generally play out how they were meant to be.

So much to say that has already been said

2004-08-15T01:46:00.000-04:00

Seems like things never really change. Yesterday's news is today's news with just the names or places changed. I'm really starting to think that I need that week off. Good news is that I should be moving during it - yes finally. I just need a rest to sort things out and relax a little. Things will look better after that.

And taking a page from the St. Thomas Times Journal which everyone should read;
Cheers to:
1. Time spent talking to Bonnie and Meg - not much longer and we will be reunited!
2. Fixing my computer - don't ask me what I did but its actually running.
3. Faith - as long as you can still believe then things aren't really that bad.

Jeers to:
1. Life in the student ghetto - when you manage to interrupt even my very sound, minimal amounts of sleep you must be throwing quite some party.
2. People who rain on my parade. (Rain On My Parade - Bobby Darin, great song)

No time but no complaints

2004-08-12T17:27:00.000-04:00

Someday I will have time to post. Too much work and not enough time but I'm not complaining. Things could and have been a lot worse.

Quickly though, the short list of things I am thankful for.
1. Days when faith seems very near and its easy to believe in life.
2. Having lots of shoes - very handy when an angry beetle invades your room - don't worry I scored one for team... well some designer would be nice but really - Team Payless!
3. The Body Shop - I smell good!
4. Infinity - every day we have infinity choices and that's kind of cool.

The problem with blogs

2004-08-05T01:08:00.000-04:00

I would like to name this entry "The Problem with Blogs" or alternately "Andrea (ignoring bad knee) Climbs Onto Her Soapbox". I almost entitled it the problem with society but wanted to get y'all hooked first.

I've decided that the problem with blogs is fairly representative of some problems in today's society. We have become such an email, messenger, text message society that we are drowning in our own literacy. What happened to the days when you knew a friend by the warmth of their hug or their quiet sympathy over coffee? Do we now define friendship by the emoticons in an instant message or a mention in a blog?

I was thinking about what we lose when we rely purely on the written word as a means of communication. I'm probably guiltier then most when it comes to messenger and reading and loving all things written and relying very heavily on electronic communication. But today someone took something in one of my entries to mean something completely different from what I actually meant. It was just one of those movie-style misunderstandings where someone has suspicions about something and it just fits in perfectly with something I'd written about something else. It never would have happened if I didn't have a blog. If I'd said the same thing to the same person over the phone, or even *gasp* in person they would have known by the inflection in my voice, my body language and so many other clues that I didn't mean what they were afraid I meant. So what are we losing as we turn further away from verbal communication?

A few days ago I might not have realized exactly how upset a friend was if she'd emailed me instead of phoned. Today I might have erected a wall without ever realizing it. I'm not going to throw away my computer and there will be no book burning. But maybe tomorrow I'm going to call my friends instead of text messaging them.

Fear And Loathing In My Bedroom

2004-08-04T02:50:00.000-04:00

How did I get to this point? It is as though I took a fifteen year leap backwards in maturity. I think that I said the truest thing ever this morning to Meggie - I need to go back to the place where I could be proud of everything I did. Every day is a new day, all you have to do is make use of it.

Its like a poison that invades every facet of my life

2004-08-03T02:13:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been in a situation where even though something feels so close and so obtainable its really so far away? I think that's about where I am. If only it didn't seem so there... so close... so possible. Where's the emergency stop on the surreality rollercoaster? There is no semblance of reality here to shake me from my sleep. Wake me from my blissful slumber. Toss me from my bed. And even though I know the day gets closer when that will happen and I will be awoken in the rudest way possible I still continue to cling to my dreams.

I lost reality somewhere along the way and I can't seem to find it.

If you know where to find it, let me know.

I can't afford a reward cause I'm moving out on Sunday. I'm very happy about that. No roommates for a few weeks. Just lots of solitude which I crave. Of course next week I will be begging everyone to come over cause I'm bored and lonely... but I think I'll enjoy a night of alone first. When I'm alone I think too much.

And in the real world, where I do spend a wee bit of my time. I think I have a sleeping problem. Really what kind of person stays up till three every night and only gets five hours of sleep a night. Gawd. No wonder I'm burning out. I'm taking a week off. In that week I'm making my apartment fun to live in, I'm finishing my scrap book, I'm visiting the library and spending hours there every day reading the books on my list. I'm going to go to Skinny Phat and party till 3am and sleep till 3pm the next day. I might actually go swimming. I'm taking a day trip somewhere. I'm going home and I'm going to run up and down the beach and eat Mackies fries and drink Orangeade until I turn orange. Maybe I'll take two weeks off. (And with that last statement the real world drifts away again).

I'm on crack. I must be. There should be a rule against blogging at 2:30am - it might be a worse idea then drunk dialing.

At least my husband hasn't tried to kill me for my fortune

2004-07-30T23:56:00.000-04:00

Today was a bad day at work. Today was a long day at work. Today was a rude day at work... do you get the picture yet? Moving on - one month from now I will be doing assistant manager training and getting ready to start school again. At the beginning of the summer I wanted it to last forever, now it cannot end soon enough. But that's enough ranting. I'm determined to make some changes. I'm going to have to if I want to get through next year!

My Happy Things:

1. Knowing that Harvey's loves me. Cause I wash walls.

2. Food - Chinese food, Lucy's food, tea - yummy food.

3. Poems that you find online. One of only two that spoke to me while I was reading the Library of Congress' daily poetry for American high schools. Some of them were just really really bad. This one made me think of those random moments when you see someone with their guard let down.

Botany In Action
Christopher Joslyn

This morning I found you before the rain,
Before a shower, before makeup and hairspray,
Before you made your breath like mint,
Before morning prayer, soap, earrings, and perfume,
Before hot water, breakfast and a cigarette, when
You were six brown leaves dancing in the wind

This morning I found you before the phone rang,
Before the first bill was paid, before your impatiens woke to thirst,
Before you cleaned rough white crystals of sleep from the corner of your eye,
Before you took any medicine, before you looked in any mirror,
Before your life begain to need you, when
You were smooth stones at the bottom of a cold, fast-moving stream

This morning I found you before you touched the powdered wing of your own early beauty
With an attempt to be beautiful.
Your hair a million unmapped directions, a survey of the wildness of sleep,
Your body rising, falling with your breath, before you dressed in a different rhythm
This morning I found you when you were botany in action,
Partly bud and partly bloom, scarlet flower drinking air and light.

Patio Nights - A Great Cure For The Blues

2004-07-25T11:18:00.000-04:00

Last night was exactly the kind of night that I needed. A few drinks with Chelsea, a fun walk with her and Taylor and of course a visit to my new pita-flavoured happy place! So my top three of last night...

1. Time on the patio just hanging out.
2. Pitas - and not having to go alone to pathetically get my pita and check out the pita guy.
3. The possibility of more Patio Nights (as they shall henceforth be known) to come!

Change of perspective...

2004-07-24T16:12:00.000-04:00

"Fathers and teachers, I ponder 'What is hell?' I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love."
-Dostoevski

Just like the Staples commercial... I'm going back!

2004-07-21T02:22:00.000-04:00

I'm borrowing something from Chelsea's live journal and writing down a few things that I am grateful for.
1. Family who are there when you need them despite what is happening in their own lives.
2. Talking to friends who take away a little bit of stress and make you feel a little bit better about yourself when you talk to them.
3. Sugar Mountain and Pilot Pita - just goes to show that there are some undiscovered happy places out there.

Of course... since its me, I'm also adding to this with a few rants.
1. People who call tomato 'mato really quietly and then wonder why you think they said mayo.
2. When people think that they can hide something that is totally obvious. Don't lie... its not necessary, that you feel it is offends me more then anything you can lie to me about.
3. Fabulous shoes that hurt your feet.

The things I'm grateful for totally outweigh my rants. And in the end I'm still glad that I have a job I like at Harvey's and that I'm actually getting hours. Plus - fabulous shoes are worse the sacrifice.

That's all for tonight. My little brother is down for awhile so I'm going to go hang out with him a little bit longer before I have to go to bed. Work tomorrow... as always. Yay for having 50+ hours this week! And the number one thing that I am grateful for today - I CAN GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR SURE IN SEPTEMBER! I'm going to have to work a lot and it might suck, but I get to go back and that's worth the sacrifice. Especially now that I've decided that I really do want to go back.

Look at the Swiss Cheese Girl... let's laugh and point!

2004-07-16T02:36:00.000-04:00

My posts are pretty sporadic. Unlike my paper journal I actually feel as though I have to write coherently. You never know who might be reading your blog. Alright so the answer to that is no one but it stops me from just pouring out my rambled, mumbled, jumbled, bleeding thoughts. That was *drumroll* until tonight when I just need to rant. Albeit a tired, emotionally-drained, shouting in a very quiet voice rant.

I feel like I am missing pieces. I'm empty. I'm tired. I can't take any more. I'm shouting... quietly... on the inside and am still surprised when no one is listening. That's not true - I'm surprised when the people who are listening are those that I would least expect to listen.

What do I know? I know that I trust too much. I know that I refuse to start a relationship asking myself how much potential there is for hurt. I know that I'm loyal for the right reasons and I know that I fuck up... a lot... not usually for the right reasons. I have a sick need to believe, a great deal of blind faith and that the cynicism is 6.7 out of 10 times total bullshit. I know when I feel betrayed.

My life contains a lot of contradictions. Sometimes I joke that I'm just one big walking contradiction. For example, the people who have 'inspired' this post will sympathize with me never believing it could possibly be intended for them. I don't care. All I hope is that the people it isn't intended for understand that I love them. And that I trust them, don't care if I could get hurt, that I will be loyal and fuck up. And that I have blind faith. I believe in you.

What becomes of a day for those who rage against it?

2004-07-14T02:05:00.000-04:00

Its been a long day. I woke up in Ottawa and am going to bed in Waterloo to the sound of thunder. I think I've hit about every emotion in between. Apparently you can leave town for two days to come back to a world that has totally changed.

"And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum up the phrase for all left standing around in it"

I'm going to bed now cause there's nothing else left to do. If you need to talk, need company, need anything call me. You being anyone who needs anything... sufficently broad lol.

Things I am learning about Ottawa

2004-07-11T21:58:00.000-04:00

1. I do not know where Beavertails have been all my life - but my life was not complete until now.
2. The #5 bus drivers in Ottawa ARE NOT as nice as the #5 bus drivers in Waterloo.
3. Visits with your heterosexual life partners are necessary for the good of your health.
4. It is possible to sleep from Waterloo to Ottawa - waking only for hot chocolate and chocolate glazed donut time.
5. Ottawa has a lot of water. You can take boat rides on said water. I choose not to as being in something floating on water is unnatural and sickening.
6. www.p-mate.com - people will invent anything and people will buy anything.

We, we who were, we are no longer the same...

2004-07-07T01:40:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wish that things could stay the same forever? I'm at home right now and I would give so much if the things that once made me happy could still make me happy. If I could move home and be happy living at home, with my Mom. If I could go back to old loves who I still love. Once upon a time these things made me so happy. And I'm happy now with my 'new' life, but its sad how much you sometimes end up leaving behind when your life changes. I don't regret the decisions that I made and really deep down I don't want to come home or go backwards in time. But sometimes its really easy to wonder what if...

One day at a time is the fastest speed of life

2004-06-28T02:22:00.000-04:00

I would like to say that every day that passes gets a little bit easier. Really every day that passes I grow a little more resigned. I wonder if it ever goes away? Someday there will be a day when the memories make me smile, in passing. Until then - longing, anger, butterflies, fear, ectasy. Followed by resignation.

Today was a good day though. I went to Gay Pride in Toronto and had such an awesome day. It was great to go and see something that you definitely don't get to see in St. Thomas. It made me really happy that I got to be there and to share that. Then when I got back to town I found out tonight was one of those random Skinny Phat's playing nights. It was fun, not that me, Jazzy and Taylor every have trouble finding fun. Thanks everyone for a great day. Plus I found out today that I have real hours at Harvey's next week which is great!

You can make my life worthwhile, I can make you start to smile.. or not

2004-06-26T02:35:00.000-04:00

Have you ever found a song that perfectly expresses how you're feeling? Tonight it is Big Machine by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Ectasy is all you need
Living in the big machine
Oh you're so vain
Now your world is way too fast
Nothing's real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware
I'm in love but you don't care
Turn your anger into lust
I'm still here but you don't trust at all
And I'll be waiting
Love and sex and lonliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
God it's good to be alive
I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

Still in love with all your sins
Where you stop and I begin
And I'll be waiting
Living like a house on fire
What you fear is your desire
It's hard to deal
I still love the way you feel
Now this angry little girl
Drowning in this petty world
Oh who you run to
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all or not
I don't need what you ain't got

I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you

The hardest part is knowing that I am strong enough that I could keep doing this forever but realizing that just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. So I won't. But first I might spend one night curled up under the covers crying about it. Then no more tears until I find a better reason to cry.

Who needs heroin when you have V2.0?

2004-06-23T01:19:00.000-04:00

Hurray I'm actually updating! Things have been pretty busy in a relaxed way if that makes sense. None of the rush of school, just lots to do. But things have been good. Before I bore anyone with details of my life I'm going to bore everyone with my random thoughts. I've been thinking a lot lately about getting hurt by someone you really care about. And how much it sucks. But I think that its really sad when people stop getting hurt. I would so much rather be able to say that I let people in and I loved and felt and got hurt then to say that I never felt anything so I never got hurt. And if the biggest regret I ever have is that I can't be the one to give someone the same happiness that they have given to me that's ok. At least I can say that I tried and that I loved and that I lived my life fully.

As for the day to day stuff. Work not so great - hours are getting cut a lot at Lucy's and Harvey's is not making up for it. So I need to start the great job hunt again. That's ok though. I can do that. I'm missing Bonnie and Meghann but Meggie will be home soon for shut down week and really the summer is half over already. Missing home a lot - really thinking about just giving up and going home for the rest of the summer except I know there isn't work there. I do miss everyone though. I want my little brother to come stay with me for awhile now that he is done school.

I just want to say hurray for finding people who are at the same level of committment wanting as I am. Its so awesome to have guys who are sweet and fun and great friends who aren't trying to marry me!

Other then that.. not much. I'm so tired right now I'm not even sure this is coherent. I'm sure I'll get comments if its not!

Its the first day of the rest of my life!

2004-06-08T00:38:00.000-04:00

Nope.. not a deep reflection on the new goals and changes I've been making lately. Simply gloating that from this day on I will be living a Williams Coffee Pub free life! Yes that's right, today my dreams came true and I found another job so that I could quit Williams. It was a great day! I got so much accomplished, I found a new job at Harvey's that I think I might actually like. People laughed but I liked working at Harvey's. And after Canadian Tire, the Help Centre and Williams I can live through anything for three months. Besides that today was my first shift shadowing a waitress at Lucys so that I can pick up a few serving shifts here and there. Hurray for great days that happen when you least expect them.